Big Al
Winnipeg Chronicles #3: Steak Boss
I Would Be Your Man - The Odds
Quick one for this week. I thought I'd let everyone know if I've learned anything practical since I've been out here. One of the major things I wanted to do out here was learn how to cook and I can say that my cousin Derek has done a great job helping me learn the basics. We're talking spaghetti sauce, eggs, sausage, all that good stuff. Nothing fancy.
Before he left to go back to Toronto last week, he trusted me to pick up a pork roast so that I would have something to eat while he was gone. Of course, I interpreted that as "pick up a steak", which is what I did. He was not amused, but you know what they say: When life gives you steak, make steakinade and so it was. The scary thing was that he challenged me to do the same thing the next day by myself.
Sure enough, there I was on a Sunday evening with nothing to do but starve or prepare my own steak. I salted. I peppered. I massaged. I oiled. I overoiled. I dodged boiling oil as it flew out of the pan. I flipped. I flipped. I flipped again. I undercooked. I didn't care. I ate.
No, I didn't make the best steak ever. Yes, I flirted with salmonella. Who cares though? I can officially strike "Cook your own steak" off of my bucket list. Now if you'll excuse me, I need to go to the hospital.
*****
Credit to Shirley for sending me this Mario Kart Love Song. Be honest with me. Have you guys seen this before, but you just didn't want to post it because the guy is Asian? Shame on you.
Do you ever wonder, Lemon, what your life would be like if you had never left your hometown?
Oh, of course. Have you not read my terrible short story: "The Two Paths Of Virginia Apple?"
Big Al
Winnipeg Chronicles #2: Girl Type Thing
The Town Halo - A.C. Newman
Nobody has ever accused me of being a ladies man, but if there's one thing I've always had the pleasure of knowing it is the company of women. I won't get into the long history of it, suffice to say that, for whatever reason, the Lord saw fit to grace me with an overwhelming libido at an early, early age. That, and a thin, wiry frame that has proven invaluable in the escape of predators.
My dependence on the fairer sex was not something I considered when I decided to leave Markham. Whether it was because I've taken that aspect of my life for granted or I grossly underestimated the time it would take me to become the toast of Winnipeg, I'm not sure. It didn't cross my mind. Two weeks in, I find myself concerned.
Maria Zoetic. That was the name of a girl who I met at Queen's University when Brian and I were selected to take a class there in high school. Best. Week. Ever. I remember how I broke the ice with Maria. We were told to write our names on these pieces of paper they put on our desks. Me being the lame ass I am, I wrote it as plain as can be. The girl next to me prettied hers up with some flowers or rainbows or some other queer stuff and I made a crack about it. She told me her name was Maria. I eventually asked her if she wanted to meet me for lunch. For some reason that whole episode ended with her in tears, but it's a blur to me now.
I think about that girl who I used to meet at her locker every day. We'd share a cookie and I didn't flirt, so much as attempt to engage her in a conversation that might reveal whether she had any feelings for me beyond friendship. Eventually, I found out though in the long run I realize I should have just let that one go.
There were all the girls I worked with at Food Basics who gave me a taste for brown women. I was old enough that they could look at me with respect and reverence, but not so old that the occasional romantic overture would seem creepy. Even though I spent most of my time fixated on Adriana, I still remember the time that this other girl let her hair down. I'd never noticed her in that way before, in fact I didn't even recognize her at first, but man, she was lovely that day. I can't remember her name for the life of me.
I'm going on about this because I don't have a female presence in my life right now and tragically, it feels like it's been that way for a while. I don't mean just having female friends, I have plenty of those, but I need a new one. It's not even about when you meet someone and you walk that thin line between sexual attraction and friendship. That's played out. I just like...not knowing, you know? I like meeting a girl who I know nothing about and forming (or not) a connection from that nothing. You can have a hundred conversations with that person and not learn a damn thing about them, but hey, for whatever reason you've had a hundred conversations. I live for that stuff.
I'm not sure whether I'm starting to warm up to the women of Winnipeg or if my standards are rapidly dropping, nay, plummeting. Either way, I'm considering one of two options, each with their own benefits and pitfalls:
1) Random bus stop girl
Even though the hazards of attempting to talk to someone in transit have been discussed ad nauseum in this web space, I'm getting to the point where I might give it a shot. It's Winnipeg! Everyone's supposed to be friendly here. Hopefully that explanation will suffice in a Manitoba court of law. Your Honour, you've got to understand I was desperate...and it's Winnipeg!
2) The landlady
Her name is Livia Looker. No joke. She's like a vintage Superman character. She's definitely good looking even by Toronto standards (if I can even remember them!) and she wears glasses so that's a big turn on. Plus, she sits in her office all day dealing with the petty grievances of immigrants and jerk offs. I've got to be able to provide some entertainment for her, right? My big worry here is that I'm not sure about the legality of my staying at Derek's apartment for an indeterminate amount of time and that could lead to some awkward/comical/sexy moments. On this week's episode, Alex gets evicted...by the woman he loves!
*****
Hey, the final season of Lost starts this week! How about that. I think now would be a great time for us all to take a step back from what has become a pop culture juggernaut and remember the simpler all times. A girl has got to eat.
Why did she crop me out of all of these pictures?
No, it's good. If Nancy didn't care about you she'd leave you in, but she must feel weird about her husband seeing you there. She feels weird in a good way.
"Weird in a good way," huh? Like going to the gym drunk.
She changed her status from "Working On It" to "Weirdsies".
O M F G.
Big Al
Winnipeg Chronicles #1: First Flight
New Slang - The Shins
The last time I found myself on an airplane was about seven or eight years ago. We were going to Peru to see some relatives. It was the first time that I would be abroad. The trip had several highs and lows, most of which I recorded at the time and for one reason or another have never gotten around to posting here. It was a long time ago, but with some editing it could make for an entertaining series of posts. A tale for another time.
I mention that past experience not to create some thin thematic connection (though I easily could) and not to be nostalgic (though I am), but to let you all know how long it has been since I've been on a modern airplane. I had no idea what a wondrous experience flying had become! I should warn you now that I am going to come off as even more of a Luddite than usual, but bear with me won't you?
The whole day all I could think about was how I was going to be missing the NFL playoffs. The most shallow of concerns, I'm aware, but that kind of thing is important to me. Lo and behold, the first thing I notice when I get to my seat is the gentleman in front of me tuning in to the Baltimore-Indianapolis game. At first I thought I needed to swipe a credit card or stick my dick in something to open up the channels but there they were at no extra charge. Huzzah!
I had three seats to myself so the trip was a delight. Lots of leg room. Two air conditioners at my disposal. The full attention of any passing attendants. The flight was a little over two hours long so I didn't think I'd be getting anything to eat or drink, but the wonderful people at Westjet surprised me again with the offer of a snack and a free juice. Of course, I took the juice.
It should be mentioned that I was flying economy. Does anyone remember what economy used to be like? Forget having any leg room. You had to be able to tuck your knees into your own ribcage or you wouldn't be getting any sleep. And TV? I remember having to stick two ear buds into my skull just so I could listen to the same loop of songs over and over again. I recall Smash Mouth being popular at the time. Don't even get me started with the beverages. I can still recall bitterly the taste of my complementary horse piss. Then again, I am known to exaggerate.
Liberated. That's the best word to describe it. I love my parents to death, but waiting with them in that tacky airport lounge was a nightmare. They've been as supportive as they can be regarding my trip, but for that brief hour before takeoff there was the real fear that they would find some way to drag me back to Markham. Even worse, that I might let them.
But when the time came, the time came and before I knew it the plane was descending over the city of Winnipeg. Devoid of the tall buildings of Toronto, it seemed like you could see the entire city from beginning to end. It was like an enormous Lite Brite. Sorry, couldn't come up with anything more cliché than that.
*****
I love Jersey Shore and am genuinely bummed out that the series ended this week. I swear I normally don't watch these "throw X colourful characters into an alien environment and watch hijinks ensue" shows, but Jersey Shore is just too good. If I were to review the show in a critical fashion, I would tell you that the show itself is a brilliant satire of rote reality show conventions. The seven primary characters are themselves evocative of the seven biblical sins (Ronnie/Wrath, Mike/Lust, JWoww/Big Titties, etc.) and how even to this day we struggle to overcome them. The situations presented on the program are so outrageous and so contrived that it exposes us to how unreal the modern reality has become. Ronnie and Sammi stand as a new millenium Samson and Delilah, nay, a cutting reflection of...of...of...
Okay, fuck it. Jersey Shore is about a bunch of people with artificial tans, artificial breasts and artificial muscles. These people dance like assholes, get into fights with themselves and everyone else for no reason and occasionally someone gets laid. It's BLOODY fantastic.
If you want a real analysis, here is an article comparing Jersey Shore to the Final Fantasy series.
*****
I'm going to keep my mixed martial arts thoughts on another blog in an attempt to maintain some semblance of professionalism. It's important that people know how serious I am about this fledgling sport that I have grown to love. Without MMA, what outlet would we have for our own violent impulses; what would become of fighting spirit that lies within us all? Most importantly, how would we have ever lived without XARM?
Revenge is a dish best served cold. Like sashimi or pizza.
You prefer cold pizza?
The morning after, it's the best.
Better than hot pizza? That's insane!
You don't tell me what kind of pizza to like! You don't tell me anything anymore!
FlamingSheep
Funny People
Here are a few things that I have been watching recently:
1. Aziz Ansari, my favourite "that guy" who has been appearing in all those TV Shows and Judd Apatow movies, is doing alright for himself. He has a new comedy special on DVD called "Intimate Moments for a Sensual Evening." Here is a bit from that.
At the end of his DVD, Aziz does his encore as RAAAAAAAANDY (with 8 a's), the Dane Cookian comedian from "Funny People". Word on the street is that Apatow is working on a RAAAAAAAANDY spin-off movie, which is just aces.
He's also in "Parks and Recreation", which I think is surprisingly good despite all the haters.
2. Speaking of P&R, I am in love with Aubrey Plaza. Her delivery on the show is even drier than "Flight of the Conchords", if that is even possible. Check out these clips from the show.
3. Ken Jeong, the doctor-turned-comedian, is a strong Asian role model and personal hero of mine. I one day hope to follow in his foot-steps, minus the whole showing the world my penis thing. Anyways, he is in that new show "Community". Haven't watched that much of it, but it's quite good. He plays a Spanish teacher named Senor Chang. Minority rage - always funny.
4. Speaking of "Community", Donald Glover from Derrick Comedy is also on the show. Here is a clip from them that I quite enjoyed that teaches you Self Defense techniques.
5. I don't know if you followed the late night wars of 2010. If you didn't, you may not have caught Conan's had his farewell episode. This is proof that the man is a class act, through and through. And that finale number? What a send off.
I'm sure there is more stuff I have seen recently, but I'm too lazy to keep notes like the vigilant Choking Yak (attacking doesn't cause it to tap). I'm out!
El Tigre Chino!
Choking Yak
You Got It, MacGruber!
This is a red band trailer for the MacGruber movie, coming out in April. It's directed by Jorma from The Lonely Island and features Val Kilmer as the villain, Dieter Von Cunth.
What.
The fuck is this?
Choking Yak
Welcome To The Year 2000
Ah, my dear friend The WAMBAG. So much as happened, so much has changed, so much has...developed...since we last spoke. A recap... - It is now 2010.
- I have finally embraced the space age technology of our new era and started shaving with an electric razor that Jess bought me.
- Everything else is pretty much the same.
And life goes on. - I spoke very highly of Jimmy Fallon's dead-on Neil Young impression previously, so I feel nothing wrong with linking to another bit where he covers Pants On The Ground, a very topical reference to a wacky American Idol routine that aired just the night before, included at the bottom of that page in case you need context. I'm kind of burned out on viral "Idol" reject videos by now, but this is an absolutely killer impression of Neil Young and it's good to see Jimmy Fallon settling in and finding his groove amid all this craziness at NBC. - This is The Hitchhiker's Guide To Murder, which I enjoyed immensely. And no, it does not have anything to do with the popular Douglas Adams property. Aw man, I just realized I have chocolate all over my fingers from this muffin I'm eating, and now it's all over my keyboard. I must clean it now. oipokwseessesqaaaaakll,l; - This is a screen test for Parks and Recreation featuring RZA from the Wu-Tang Clan. I don't know how the connection here works (Amy Poehler is friends with Jimmy Fallon who's late night partner is Questlove who's friends with RZA?) but stuff like this makes me suspect that the Wu-Tang Clan are slowly phasing out of the rap game and going into the internet comedy sketch game, where the real money's at. I once saw that guy become Trigorin at the Weslyan Art Space. That guy’s good.
Choking Yak
Did You Realize That You Are A Champion In Their Eyes?
I ran into some bad news when I got to work yesterday after the four day weekend - I had realized that I forgot my access card for the office in the pocket of the shirt I wore to the office on Thursday.
...luckily, I was re-wearing that very same shirt, and the card was still there in the front pocket.
Crisis averted!
Just one link this time, because I feel it deserves it's own space. This is the first of four parts of a DDT title match, featuring Kota Ibushi's KO-D Openweight Championship defense against YOSHIHIKO.
YOSHIHIKO, in case you're not hip to the Japanese indy wrestling scene, is an inflatable plastic sex doll.
If that doesn't sell this link, then I'm not sure what will...because the match is comprised of like four 10-11 minute parts (you might want to skip ahead to like the six or seven minute mark in the first one), and an appreciation for pro wrestling might be a prerequisite for enjoyment. However, I will say that it is the absolute finest 40-something minutes of footage captured between a sweaty man and an inflatable sex doll I have ever watched...which is actually pretty high praise indeed.
If you even casually enjoy pro wrestling, definitely check it out.
If you do not enjoy pro wrestling on any level, I would advise against checking it out.
INFINITY DESTROYER!!!
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MIX IT UP!
The finest of the flavours.
Class it up.
Now in black!
I'm not going to lie, it's pretty crazy.
For 'bagging on the go.
About The WAMBAG
WAMBAG.COM is a young man shuffled through life in a lithium-induced coma until his mother's death prompts him to return to the town in which he grew up. Gradually, with the absence of the pills, his reconnection with his past, and the introduction of a girl who is everything he isn't, he is able to open his heart to the joy and pain of the infinite abyss that is life.
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